When is Date Night in Your Marriage?

I remember the first date I had with my husband, at a local Chinese food restaurant in the Medical Center in San Antonio, TX, like it was yesterday. I remember the jitters, interest, and slight excitement that I felt that night, as well as the manner in which I looked forward to each date night after that for the next three weeks until he asked me to be his girlfriend and ‘go steady.’ (I know it’s a little mushy, but I loved every second of it).

Now two years into marriage, it’s crazy that I can remember the details of my first date with my husband, but often find it difficult to recall the details of our more recent dates and sometimes even the last time we went out on a date. Date night, in the dating and engagement phases of our relationship, was something that I often looked forward to in my week and was an active participant in planning. After saying ‘I do’ I have found being consumed with finding a life groove and focusing on our schedules and personal/relational/career goal, that it often takes a great deal of orchestration to plan and actually partake in datenight. It’s almost as though if there is one thing on the schedule that we sacrifice, as though it is tentative but very flexible, never definite item, it is date night. What happen to the planning, surprise, effort, commitment, and excitement I once affiliated with dating my husband – marriage?

A wise woman once told me that we Date to collect Data; so, why do we stop dating when we get married? At one point, dating was how we showed one another that we were interested and wanted to get to know each other better (we collected data). So why then once we get married does dating and collecting data about one another get pushed to the side and is no longer our default to show each other that we care? Why do we no longer carve out time in our schedules, just for our spouse, to take interest in your relationship and continue to get to know one another?

I began to ask myself these same questions; had I stopped collecting data on my husband? Did I feel that there was nothing left to get to know about him? My initial answer was filled with justifications, such as 'we are just busy' and 'I ask him about his day every day, isn’t that part of getting to know him?' But when I decided to be honest with myself I realized that I had stopped intentionally seeking additional knowledge about my husband as I used to when we were dating. And asking 'how was your day' is just a routine, often filled with simple answers, like yes or no, unless something occurred outside of the norm, which is rare. I went into marriage knowing that it takes a lifetime to get to know someone and I pledged to take the rest of my life getting to know my only love, my husband. Yet somehow, I have become comfortable in the data I initially collected about my husband, which contributed to me committing the rest of my life to him, but I have become a little lazy with the action that correlated with that pledge (that is wifespective).

I began to wonder, if I was the only one who struggled with dating my spouse. So, true to form, I began to research this very question and, to my surprise, I am not alone. According to a Redbook survey of readers, 45% of couples report rarely having date nights, and only 18% said they manage to go out around once a month. Thus, we stop relying on the very act that assisted in our decision to become a unit and there may be value in revisiting the act that set the foundation of our relationships … Dating!

So, I had a choice to make; would I be a statistic, part of the 45 or 18 percent, or would I make dating my husband an intentional priority in my marriage? Well, I believe that knowledge is only as good as what you do with it, so I chose to be deliberate about dating my husband. I told my husband I wanted us to start dating again and he said “okay.” We make a point to go on a date of some sort at least every other week, which may be dinner or a movie or both and sometimes we still fall into the habit of pushing datenight to the side, but the difference is that we recognize that is what we are doing and we make a point to reschedule if we have to pass on datenight so that is stays a priority. We are working towards having one day a week that is an “us day” where we just spend time together, which may be on the couch or looking forward to watching as a show or having laptop creative time together. It doesn’t have to be a big ‘to do,’ but it is our guaranteed time; a time to refocus on us and what is important to us as individuals and as a unit. We call it "us time," a time to dream and plan, a time to stop and sit, a time to hold and embrace, a time for us. It’s what I look forward to and it is intentional. Collecting data!

I challenge us wives to find the importance in continuing to get to know our spouses by having a set day to reconnect with one another; give yourselves something to look forward to … each other! Remember what it was like to pick out clothes, do your hair, put on some smell good, and strut out your swag to the surprise of your date; what about the look on his face when his breath was taken away by both your effort and your beauty. Encourage him to get back to basics and invest in you by giving you his time and energy; a moment just for you and him to connect and collect – data that is! It may be one day a week (which I suggest) or a day a month, but carve out the time for date night/day. This is time that is not shared family time with the kids or others, but time that is just for the two of you. You two deserve it!

Tell me wives:

Do you remember your first date; how did you feel? Do you date your spouse now? If not, why? What is your favorite date night activity? What date night frequency will you commit to (weekly, bi-weekly, monthly)?

Stay tuned for date night ideas in this portion of the blog and I welcome you all to add to it!

-The L.O.W.